We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
