Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
