Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
