I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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