it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
