I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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