in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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