Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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