I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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