guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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