you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
