plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
