I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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