What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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