I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
