My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
