i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
