you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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