my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
