Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
