I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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