RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
