Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
