Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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