she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
