she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I want a musical about memes.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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