Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
