Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
