Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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