I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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