You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
