genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Two words: blizzard sex
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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