My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
