i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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