and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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