I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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