It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
