Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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