He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
