And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I just found a bag of teeth...
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Randomize
