So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
