I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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