I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
