He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
