I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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