I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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