So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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