u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
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