I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
