Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
