The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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